Tuesday 16th 2023
3:22 PM
I saw you recently, for the first time in a few years. You were//are just as beautiful as I remember. Your beauty has blossomed actually. You didn't look so tired or stressed really. You looked at peace and free. Perhaps it's from getting to say some of the things that you've wanted to for a while. Whatever it is, I'm glad that you're okay. I just wish that you would return to Jehovah. Anyway, that's not the point of this entry. Let me explain.
We spent most of our day together and it was lovely and wholesome. I really enjoyed it and felt like I got some closure a lot of things that happened between us. As a result, my anxiety and worry about you cut down threefold. I even stopped yearning for you as much. Until the last few days, maybe weeks. In thinking about all the things that happened with Tony, I've been thinking that I might never find a love that comes close to what we had. I honestly believe that you will always be the person that I love most in this world. I try to think it won't last forever and there are moments when I genuinely feel like there's hope. Then a day or two like this happens and I'm reminded that it's there, even though I don't think of it all the time. My love for you is always there and I don't know what I can do to get past this.
I guess all of this is to admit it, not that I haven't already. But I'm feeling especially emotionally and needed a way to let this out right now. I can't say it to my mom and I feel bad to talk to Jehovah about it. I had a slip last night and I'm so fed up of myself. I'm so fed up of promising to do the right thing and failing him. It makes me feel so stupid and worthless and I know I'm hurting him. But I'm in a really bad state and I think I'm self-sabotaging again. Even though I've been somewhat functional, I haven't really been now that I think about it. I've missed a lot of meetings and service in the last few weeks. Since the thing happened with Dad, the night I left, I feel like I haven't been here. I don't know, I don't think I've been completely aware of what's been going on. I think I'm more hurt than I want to be. Or perhaps a more accurate description is disappointed. I'm really disappointed in my family, especially my Dad. I know he's hurting from the past but as a result, he's hurting those around him. It sucks ass man. I'm hurting. Mom is hurting. And I'm hurting more because she's changed so much. I wish I had the ability to fix this. I wish I could take her out of this and just take care of her, allow her a chance to breathe and relax as she gets older. I wish he would fix himself, it's not like he doesn't have the knowledge to. I wish they would heal together.
I think I'm a bit tired of fighting. Everything is a freaking fight and it's so frustrating. I'm tired of having to be the one who keeps themselves in check so that things don't blow up. I'm tired of having to control myself and my emotions. Why am I not allowed to be angry and feel emotional without being scorned or judged for it? I suppose that's why I self-sabotage in others ways. So I feel but not really? I don't go as numb as I used to but that numbing factor is still there. I'm just tired of people disappointing me when they say that they won't. I give people a chance and feel like I get let down every single time. I just want someone to stick up for me you know? I want someone to fight for me, just once.
Sigh, I don't know. I suppose this can all be wild talk because I'm a bit hurt from recent things. I'm just so tired...and I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to wake up and feel this heaviness fall over me. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to hurt Jehovah anymore. I don't want to keep myself in check so that everyone else will be okay. I just want the world to stop for a minute so that I can catch my breath. The noise can all stop. The things that trigger me..overstimulate me. The pain. The pressure. Forgive me Jehovah..but I wish my heart could stop and this would be over.