Sunday April 10th, 2022
My mind is swirlinggg. He wants me, she says this, they say this, I want her, I miss you. Swirling I tell you. So much is being said, I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to listen. I want peace, I want quiet. I want to tune out all this noise. I just want to be left alone. I want to process and digest and get a moment to swallow this all on my own. I love that people feel free to speak their mind but could they just not? Just this one time. I want to do this on my own. I NEED to do this on my own. It's all very overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want this. I DON'T want this. I can't. I just can't do this anymore. Sounding melodramatic right? lol Feeling melodramatic right now honestly.
I want to talk about my feelings and all that's on my mind but I'm not quite sure of where to start. I don't know if I really know what's going on in my head. I don't really know how to formulate the words. I just don't know how to say it. I don't know where to start. I said that already didn't I?
I think...the fact that my brain is all confuffled says a multitude. Things with you were always easy, it was effortless. I never doubted myself, I never doubted you and I never doubted us. I couldn't doubt you. You are my person and forever will be. And I know you feel it too. That's why you can't look me in the eyes. You avoid me. You're formal with me. At least I try to convince myself that's the reason why. Otherwise that would just mean I'm like everyone else to you. So I just have to believe that you feel it too. You feel us still. I miss you..all the time. I try to fight it and I try not to think about it, but I do. I just miss you. I Miss our happiness. And I miss our joy. I miss your smile. I miss touching you and feeling your warmth on my skin. I miss our long talks and silly laughing. I think that I forget you, but it always comes down to this. I miss you. And I probably always will. And that pisses me off. And makes me incredibly sad all at once. I don't want to miss you and I don't want you to consume my thoughts anymore. I don't want to feel you anymore. I just can't. I can't if I want to live life. You certainly are. You've moved on and you're living. So why can't I?...
I'm all typed out. I'm tired. Honestly, I thought I just wanted to be alone. Turns out that I just miss you. And I want to be alone with you...