February 1st, 2023

I miss you. I miss you so much. My heart aches every time I think of you. When we parted, all I wanted was for you to hold on to Jehovah. That's why I did it, I wanted you to live..and that was the only way how I could at least do that for you. But now that you've walked away from him, I'm so worried. I can't stop worrying. The million possibilities of why you would walk away haunts me. My mind spirals trying to figure out why. I also feel hurt that you would after all that we've been through. It makes me wonder if any of it was ever really real to you. I never used to doubt your love for me but that's all I seem to do now. 
I see you everywhere I look. I think of you every time I'm in a place where we once were. My bed, the couch, the grass, the bench. Every time I see a car like yours, I lose my breath..even the colour. I constantly hope it's you but I don't because I know my heart will break when you leave again. 
I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to feel this anymore. It's sucking the life out of me. I hardly find a moment of peace. I never thought I would be able to move on until recently, until I met him. But as time passes, all I see are his flaws and how much he's not you. How he doesn't understand me like you. How one look between us said so much. I didn't need to say anything in words, you knew. Our love was so easy, so effortless. I sometimes wonder if I'm romanticising it, if I imagined it. But I didn't, I know I didn't. 
You loved me unconditionally. You loved my flaws and the things I didn't love about myself. You taught me that understanding and love can be experienced by others. I never felt like I would ever feel that. I didn't think it was ever possible. You taught me how to love myself. You helped me to become confident. You helped me to be the real me. I'll never forget those things. 
I don't really know why I'm writing all this. I guess these are some of the things that I would like to say to you right now..to express everyday. I fight the urge to reach out everyday because I've gathered that it's not something that you want. I believe you have moved on and I feel like an idiot to still be stuck in this place. Next month will be 7 years since we parted and I still feel broken-hearted like it happened yesterday. I feel like an idiot honestly. Who mourns a love for 7 bloody years?!
It's because you were so real to me. You still are. My love has never wained. 
I wish I could tell you all of this. Just to hear you say that you love me too. But that's stupid..and unrealistic. You might have someone else by now and I have to accept that. I have to let go. Perhaps I just need more time. Yes I just need some more time. Sigh. I wish that time was tomorrow. I just want this pain to stop. I want to stop this pain so much...
I guess that's all that I have to say right now. I'm all wiped out from these tears, my head hurts. I just want you to know one last thing. 
I love you. I love you now, I loved you from the moment I saw you for the first time in the grocery store. I loved you from the moment I saw you in that image. I loved you from the moment that our eyes met as I walked towards the car - that was the moment I knew that I loved you, that you were the love of my life. Sounds completely unreal and possibly foolish but I felt it then and I feel it now. That feeling has never gone away. I loved you when we stood outside on the balcony and you looked straight into my eyes. I know you felt it too..
Point is, I love you M. I love you forever..and I miss you forever. 

Sincerely, Your Life Portrait ❤︎
Back to Top