Sunday 15th May 2022
I just had an argument with Dad..it was so unnecessary honestly. I've never met anyone so closed off to suggestions. It's like the thought of him getting assistance from anyone is completely repulsive to him. It's so tiring having to deal with his outbursts and moods. I wonder if people get tired of me like that? I got so angry. I didn't really want to but I just hate unfairness and bullying. And he's a complete bully. I don't want to get angry..I know how much it must hurt Jehovah. It hurts me and I know it hurts mom too.
I'm so tired man. Like sooo tired. I don't want to feel all these things. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm so tired of trying to be okay. I feel like I'm failing. People have such high expectations of me and I feel like I don't live up to them. I feel like I can't. I think all these horrible things..all the wrong desires burn within me and I just want to give in. I feel like a hypocrite..I am a hypocrite. I'm just so tired of fighting to do anything well. I fail at controlling my mental health. I fail at controlling my sinful thoughts. I fail at controlling my outbursts. I fail at controlling my emotions. And no one notices. I sometimes feel invisible, hardly anyone sees me struggling. I just want someone else to be strong for me you know. I want to be able to rely on someone else and have them fight for me instead. Because I can't anymore.
I'm suicidal. I've been fighting the thought for a while..just trying to shove them down and away. But they're always lingering. They hover above me, threatening to crash down on me. And I want them to. I want to give in. I don't want to fight anymore. I feel like I'm faking. I am. I would have done it already if I knew it would work. I'm not smart enough to figure out how as yet. Honestly, I'm tired of trying to live for others. The only reason I don't is because I know how much it'll hurt them. But I'm so tried...is that selfish? Probably. I live for them but I don't really get the support that I need to carry on. Jehovah is there, he supports me. Somehow Ada is high on that list too. I know she would tell me the sweetest things if she could talk. My heart breaks thinking of leaving her in the hands of people who are non the wiser to her needs. I don't feel confident in leaving her with them.
I know how much it will hurt Jehovah. And I've disappointed him enough throughout my life. I've hurt him so much...I'm never going to forget. That's why I feel so much guilt...because I want to do so many bad things. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love. And I don't deserve his mercy..his kindness..his patience..his love. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything good. I'm a horrible person..wicked. I'm selfish and self-absorbed, haughty and ungrateful, unthankful. I don't deserve the good in my life. I don't deserve anything good that I have...
Maybe there's no merit to what I'm saying. But it's how I feel. And that's what I've felt for a long time..at my core. I don't deserve it. I've realized that I've always been suicidal. The thoughts are just quieter on some days, but it's always there. I know it, I'm just stronger to ignore it sometimes. I want to give in. I'm ready to give in. I'm so ready...I'm so tired Jehovah. And I'm sorry. Sorry that I failed you. I love you Jehovah and I'm sorry for hurting you...